The Adventures of Captain Radio – Season 1, Chapter 1 Transcript

VOICE: It’s time for Captain Radio!

[Intro music plays: thrilling, space-y synthesizer.]

NARRATOR: These are the adventures of Captain Radio! When we last saw our intrepid hero, Captain Radio traveled ten thousand years into the future to destroy the Arcadia Crystal, a weapon of immense destructive power, in the fires of Altair. Now, he has returned home to the year ten thousand and one — to find the galaxy in chaos.

You’re listening to Captain Radio and the Mutant Mole People from the Eleventh Dimension. Chapter One: The Death of Kings. The evil Doctor Orban sits upon the Throne of Jupiter. Captain Radio is nowhere to be seen, while his trusty robotic sidekick, Ace, stands before the throne in chains.

DOCTOR ORBAN: My brother, King Aster, is dead. There will be time for mourning later. Now is the time for action. I hereby proclaim myself Emperor of Shadows. As my first official act, I will punish the members of the royal house who failed to come to the aid of their king in his hour of need. Starting with Count Xavier of Alpha Centauri. Let it be known that his planet is now under direct Imperium control. What do you think Captain Radio will think of that?

ACE: Captain Radio will stand against injustice wherever it is found.

DOCTOR ORBAN: Then where is he now, you pathetic pile of circuits?

ACE: Coordinates unknown.

DOCTOR ORBAN: My spies tell me he’s trapped. Marooned in the distant future with no way home.

ACE: Captain Radio will find a way. He always does.

DOCTOR ORBAN: And if he does, will he swear an oath of loyalty to me and the Pangalactic Imperium? Or will he continue to be a thorn in my side?

ACE: He will never rest as long as you sit on the Throne of Jupiter. He will defeat you, just as he always does.

DOCTOR ORBAN: Not this time. Take a message to Captain Radio: Surrender to me or I will reveal his true identity to the universe…and kill the woman he loves.

ACE: I will deliver the message.

DOCTOR ORBAN: I will make sure of it. Guards! Take the robot to the Painatorium. Disassemble it, carve the message into its vacuum tubes and ship it back to Alpha Centauri. And make it quick. I have a universe to conquer.

ACE: You are a madman! Captain Radio will stop you, Captain Radio will —

[A metal thump as Ace is hit over the head. The robot’s voice slows down as if someone has pulled the plug on its power supply.]

[Ominous music.]

NARRATOR: Far away, on the planet Alpha Centauri, in the deep caves under the palace, a portal opens to another time, another place. Captain Radio emerges bruised and battered. He collapses onto the cold stone. But his arrival has not gone unnoticed.

[Dripping water deep echoes through the cave.]

FLAGSTAFF: Is it you, my lord count? After all this time? Get him inside and make sure no one sees him.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Where am I? Who’s there?

FLAGSTAFF: You’re home, sir.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Good and noble Flagstaff! Captain of the Centauri Guard! It is good to see your face. How did I get here?

FLAGSTAFF: You tumbled through a time portal. We found you in the caverns beneath the palace.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Then it must have worked. The crystal was destroyed.

FLAGSTAFF: It would seem so. But my lord, terrible things have happened while you were away. The king is dead. His half-brother, Doctor Orban, has claimed the throne for himself.

CAPTAIN RADIO: No, it cannot be.

FLAGSTAFF: It gets worse. Orban has declared you dead. Well, I should say he has declared Count Xavier dead. He has issued a royal decree that Captain Radio is an enemy of the galaxy with a reward for your capture — dead or alive. He has stripped you of your titles and lands and sent his shocktroops here to subdue the people.

CAPTAIN RADIO: You did well to hide me, Flagstaff. For now, let us allow Count Xavier to remain dead.

FLAGSTAFF: But my lord, your people need a leader.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Yes, but the galaxy needs Captain Radio, more than ever.

FLAGSTAFF: There is something else you should know. After you were lost in time, Lady Andromeda and Ace took your space zeppelin and combed the galaxy looking for you.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I should have known they would not have given up hope of my return.

FLAGSTAFF: They were caught in a solar storm. The zeppelin ran aground on an asteroid…and I’m afraid that’s the last we’ve heard from them.

CAPTAIN RADIO: You fear them dead, Flagstaff?

FLAGSTAFF: I have seen many storms in my day, but nothing like this. Violent winds ripped through the ether, strong enough to tear a moon from its orbit. They could not have survived.

CAPTAIN RADIO: It cannot be. My Andromeda could sail through the Eris Maelstrom itself and emerge without a scratch. And Ace would never let her come to harm.

FLAGSTAFF: It’s been weeks since we’ve had a signal from them. Surely…

CAPTAIN RADIO: They had faith in me and here I stand. Have a little faith in them.

FLAGSTAFF: I will try to, sir. If anyone can bring them safely home, it’s you.

[We hear the sound of dragging, scraping metal.]

ACE: My. Lord. Count.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Ace! It’s you! See what I told you, Flagstaff? Ace, what’s happened to you? And where’s Andromeda?

ACE: Incorrect. Assembly. Vocal unit damaged. Andromeda. Captured.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Captured? How? Where is she?

ACE: Message. For. You. Doctor Orban knows. Who you are. Demands you submit to his rule. Or he will reveal your identity. Kill Andromeda. You must. You must. You must. Error. Error.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Sit down, Ace. It’ll be alright. Flagstaff, send for the machinist. Ace has been torn apart and put back together by someone who wouldn’t know a crankpin from a fuel pump.

FLAGSTAFF: Right away, sir.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Hang on, old friend. We’ve been through plenty of worse scrapes than this, haven’t we?

ACE: You must. You must. You must not. Go.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I must go. I can’t leave Andromeda in the hands of that madman.

ACE: Doctor Orban. Andromeda. It’s. A. Trap.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Well, of course it’s a trap. It always is.

ACE: Must not. Must not. Error. Error.

CAPTAIN RADIO: We’re going to rescue her, defeat Doctor Orban’s evil scheme, and free the galaxy. There’s no other choice.

ACE: How. Without. Zeppelin?

CAPTAIN RADIO: That does pose a challenge. I think I know someone who can help. An old friend. Well, an old enemy. But I think we can put the past behind us…if he doesn’t try to kill me first.

[Heroic music swells.]

NARRATOR: Don’t touch that dial! Captain Radio and the Mutant Mole People from the Eleventh Dimension will return after this brief word from our sponsor.

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NARRATOR: We now return to the adventures of Captain Radio. With Ace repaired, Captain Radio travels in disguise to the far side of Alpha Centauri. It is a long and perilous journey. Along the way, he witnesses the suffering his people have endured under Doctor Orban’s brutal shocktroops. Ten battalions of masked soldiers occupy every marketplace, keep watch at every train station, and man checkpoints on every road. Captain Radio and Ace are forced to travel by night through the woods to avoid patrols. Finally, they reach Perseus, a spaceport popular with pirates and renegades, where danger lurks in every shadow…

[A door opens. We hear clinking glasses and people talking.]

CAPTAIN RADIO: Watch your step, Ace. If anyone figures out who we are, there could be trouble. Half of the people in this bar would like to see me at the wrong end of a ray gun.

ACE: Affirmative. Potential hostiles located at 6 o’clock, 7 o’clock, 8 o’clock, 9 o’clock…

CAPTAIN RADIO: You know what, Ace? Maybe I should do the talking. You have a tendency to get your circuits crossed in stressful situations. 

ACE: Agreed. My memory tapes contain multiple examples of this phenomenon. For example, on the planet Saurus when I inadvertently revealed your plan to defeat Doctor Orban by allying with the native lizard people. Or the time when I–

CAPTAIN RADIO: Exactly. Keep quiet and I’ll take care of everything. Understood?

ACE: Understood. Low Profile Mode engaged.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Excuse me, barkeep. I’m looking for someone.

BARTENDER: Is that so, stranger? Well, that might be a wee problem. See, my customers don’t typically want to be found.

CAPTAIN RADIO: All the same, I’m looking for an old friend. I’ve recently come into some money and I think he can help me spend it, if you catch my meaning. His name is Orion Hunt.

BARTENDER: Never heard of him.

CAPTAIN RADIO: There’s twenty kroon for you if you can track him down for me.

[We hear a bag of coins drop onto the bartop.]

BARTENDER: You’ll find him in the backroom, hustling some poor devils at zero-G pool. He’s the blue fella with six arms and the tall hat. You can’t miss him.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Thanks for your help. Come on, Ace. Let’s go see our friend.

ACE: But, sir. Didn’t we fight someone named Orion Hunt on Talon Three?

CAPTAIN RADIO: That was a long time ago. I’m sure he understands why we had to shut down his smuggling operation and free those superintelligent, flying narwhals.

ACE: But he vowed revenge!

CAPTAIN RADIO: We have no choice. Without the zeppelin, there’s no way we can get to the Throne of Jupiter on our own. We need transportation. And if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that Orion Hunt always stole the fastest ships.

ORION: Alright, friends. The game is Zero-G Pool. The object is to get all of one type of ball into the pockets located in the floor, at eye level, and in the ceiling, followed by the eight ball. It’s very simple: eight balls, three dimensions, zero gravity. Now, I’m going to go easy on you fellas because I like you. Let’s play three against one.

POOL PLAYER 1: I like those odds.

POOL PLAYER 2: How’s about we make things a little more interesting?

ORION: What did you have in mind?

POOL PLAYER 1: A hundred kroon says we can beat you in ten shots or less.

[Orion laughs.]

POOL PLAYER 2: What’s so funny?

ORION: I have a better idea. If I can sink every ball with a single shot, including the eight ball, you pay me two hundred kroon. If I can’t do it, I’ll pay you two hundred.

POOL PLAYER 1: Alright, you’re on. One shot. No tricks.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Better hold on to something, Ace.

[We hear a buzzing sound as the gravity is turned off. There’s a crack from the cue ball, followed by another and another — seven in all.]

ORION: Eight ball, corner ceiling pocket.

[A crack and a thud as he sinks it. Buzzing and a thump as the gravity is dialed up.]

POOL PLAYER 1: You cheated!

ORION: I don’t need to cheat. As you can see, I’m the best zero-G pool player in the system.

POOL PLAYER 2: You didn’t mention that.

ORION: And you didn’t ask. My winnings, if you please.

ACE: Sir, that man is reaching for a ray gun.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Orion is no good to us dead. So much for keeping a low profile.

POOL PLAYER 1: Eat laser!

[A laser blast slices through the air.]

CAPTAIN RADIO: Hold your fire!

POOL PLAYER 1: He just…shot the gun out of my hand.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Next time, I’ll be aiming a little higher. Take your money and go.

ORION: Thanks, but I had it under control.

CAPTAIN RADIO: You should know better than to pick a fight with someone from Mercury, they’re known for being hot-headed.

ORION: They’re also extremely gullible. Easy marks.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Maybe not as easy as you think. You were nearly atomized.

ORION: Then I guess I owe you my life, stranger.

CAPTAIN RADIO: In that case, maybe you can do me a favor.

ORION: Name it.

CAPTAIN RADIO: We’re looking to charter a ship to the next system.

ORION: I might be headed that way. Where exactly are you going?

CAPTAIN RADIO: The Throne of Jupiter.

ORION: Forget it. No one just sails up to the Throne of Jupiter. New orders from the emperor: any ships approaching the fortress will be shot out of the sky.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I think he’ll make an exception for me.

NARRATOR: Captain Radio pulls back the hood of his cloak to reveal his golden mask — a symbol of goodness, truth, and freedom known across the galaxy.

ORION: Captain Radio. I should’ve known it was you. No one else is that accurate with a ray gun.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I know we’ve had our differences–

ORION: You threw me off an asteroid! I was adrift in space for days.

CAPTAIN RADIO: You left me no choice, Orion. Those narwhals couldn’t stay in captivity. But I’m not here to rehash the past.

ORION: No, you’re here to get me killed going to the most dangerous place in the universe.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I’m here because I need your help. Because I have no one else to turn to. And because I believe everyone deserves a second chance — even you.

ORION: You’re going to have to do better than appeal to my good side, because I don’t have one.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Doctor Orban has kidnapped Andromeda. He’s holding her prisoner at the Throne of Jupiter. If you ever loved Andromeda, you’ll help me rescue her.

ORION: I never stopped loving her.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Then prove it.

ORION: My ship is at Landing Pad K-7. Ready and waiting.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Excellent. Ace, grab our bags.

ORION: Before we go, I want to make two things completely clear. First, on my ship, I’m in command. I won’t be taking any orders from you.

CAPTAIN RADIO: Of course.

ORION: Second, don’t get any ideas that I’m suddenly on your side just because we have a common enemy. I’m not doing this to free the galaxy. I’m doing this for Andromeda. Once she’s out of Orban’s grasp, she’ll be leaving with me.

CAPTAIN RADIO: She’s free to make that choice if she wants to.

ORION: Then we have an understanding. Let’s get out here before you draw any more attention to yourself.

[Heroic music swells.]

CAPTAIN RADIO: This is your ship?

ACE: Analysis: It appears to be a space capsule suspended from a large weather balloon.

ORION: She’s a real beauty. The HMS Galileo. At least that’s what it was called when I stole it from the Imperium. I haven’t thought of a new name yet, but I was thinking of Orion’s Revenge.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I think the name needs work. Actually, I think the whole ship needs work.

ACE: Detecting multiple leaks in the hydrogen envelope, metal fatigue in the suspension cables, a tear in the starboard solar sail–

ORION: So she’s got a few billion miles on her. What matters is that she’ll get us there in one piece.

CAPTAIN RADIO: I don’t think we have any other choice, Ace. Alright, Orion. Let’s get this death trap ready to set sail.

NARRATOR: As Orion and Ace get the balloon ready to leave, Captain Radio turns to face the vast, starry sky, knowing that somewhere out there, the woman he loves is waiting for him.

CAPTAIN RADIO: We’re coming for you, Andromeda. Nothing will stand in my way.

[Heroic music.]

NARRATOR: You’ve been listening to the adventures of Captain Radio! Will our heroes reach Andromeda in time? Can Orion navigate through the treacherous solar storms and icy shoals along the way? Who are the mysterious, masked soldiers helping Doctor Orban bring his evil plans for the galaxy to fruition? Find out next week in the thrilling second chapter of Captain Radio and the Mutant Mole People from the Eleventh Dimension, brought to you by the Studebaker Aero, America’s best-selling flying car.

JONNY: Captain Radio and the Mutant Mole People from the Eleventh Dimension is a production of Obscure Studios. This episode was written and edited by me, Jonny Eberle, and produced by Will McDonald and Jonny Eberle.

Our Narrator is Scott Kennedy. Captain Radio was played by Will McDonald. Orion was played by Rob Peters. Ace was played by DeLano Hays. Doctor Orban, the bartender, and the Ad Announcer were all voiced by me. The pool players from Mercury were played by Scott Kennedy and Bailey Cunningham. And Flagstaff was voiced by special guest Kaye Spivey.

Our theme music was composed by Bailey Cunningham and our artwork was designed by Tami King.

Please be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you listen to podcasts – that way, you’ll never miss an episode. And find us online at obscurestudios.net.Thanks for listening and we’ll see you next time!